The Person I Wanted To Be

I realize more and more every day; I'm not where I wanted to be 15 years ago (that would've made me 18 years old, for anyone wondering). I wanted to be a vocalist. I wanted to say I was a professional musician. It never happened. I would be lying if I said I wasn't missing a very important part of who I am. There were opportunities and time to work toward something I really enjoyed! There was an outlet for creativity and it would fulfill my emptiness. It filled a void and made me feel whole. There was writing, recording, live shows, and there was hope. There were like-minded friends who understood what life was like to be happy, just making music. It didn't matter if money was made. It was a passion and became more than just a hobby. It would wake me up at night, relentlessly nagging me until I got out of bed, grabbed paper and a pen, and wrote down that hook. That damn hook! The one that, if I didn't write it down, would be forgotten tomorrow and I would spend the rest of the day trying to remember. It was torture....and I loved it.

Now, there is a husband, children, and bills. LOTS of bills. I was fortunate enough to marry one of those like-minded friends. He gets me and my nerdy music jokes. He gets how I can associate almost any song with real-life happenings and he finds it genuinely funny. On the 4th of July, we sat out on our balcony with the kids, watching fireworks. I sang "Sky rockets in flight...."at that perfect moment, right before a firework went off. It was hilarious and we laughed hysterically. We do that often. We don't now how. But we recognize the slightest sounds in our surroundings that remind us of a song. Those tiny moments, rarely noticed by anyone who has never loved music as much as I, seem to help fill that same void that singing, writing, and recording filled 15 years ago. Here's to life...and finding the right song. Cheers!

I Am Flawed...Who Isn't?

Going back through my blogs, I realized a funny thing about myself; I'm a flawed human being.

While I am certain parenthood over the last few years has proven that I am far from perfect and has humbled me beyond my wildest imagination, I have come to terms that I am a flawed human being and that is perfectly acceptable. We work so hard to have nice things, nice homes, the nicest car, and the trendiest clothes. Why? What do we have to prove? And most importantly; to whom do we have to prove it?

I used to think I had to have a nice car and house to prove I was successful. A big diamond engagement ring and successful career. Funny...I was unhappy. Those of you who really know me, know I am divorced and remarried. It makes me cringe to see people (self-important people) post their holier-than-thou, "Marriage is Forever" memes and preach their perfect anti-divorce spew all over social media. I get it, already. But my convictions are just that. MINE! Who are any of us to judge another person's life or decisions. I am far from proud of several choices I have made in my life, but am pretty happy with the last few years. I married a man who believes in God. I married a man who wanted children. I married a man who makes my family feel welcome and would never hesitate to help any of them if they needed it. These were 3 things that, despite my best efforts, I couldn't make happen in the first marriage. Deal breakers.

It's easy to judge on high and from afar...but, why? Why would we? Do we get a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment to always be "right"? My divorce and remarriage doesn't define me. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone! I would hope there was a way for married couples to work to stay together before they called it quits. There are plenty of places to go for help. But, if you should end up in a deal-breaking relationship, there are groups to help you get through that, too! Don't let the "we are better than you" couples drag you down. There's no such thing.

Long Time Reader, First Time Pleader

Soooooo....I haven't blogged in a good minute. Understandably so, considering I have a one year old, I got a promotion at work, my husband is busy with his Doctorate, and he also plays gigs some weekends.

Right now, the baby is down for his nap (which at times feels like trying to get a ferrel cat into a cage), Reggie is working on a song I am supposed to be recording the vocals on this weekend, and I am sitting on the couch with my work iPad that I take home to Facebook with. Don't tell anybody about that last part.

The past two weeks have been rough. I am having a hard time transiting into this new position. I feel like it is over my head. I have ever been good with numbers and THIS job requires a ton of finance and accounts payable. :( I need encouragement. I can't tell people at work because I'm a firm believer in the "Fake it til you make it!" theory. I don't want anyone to know I am not capable. Mainly because of pride and the fact that I got this job based upon my ability to BS...over the people that actually HAVE a BS!

Anyhow, wish me luck, love, and light (or whatever you're in to)and pray that I pick this up fast!

Gratefully yours,
Mother-Blogger

Beerpong is SO Undergrad!

So, I have had this rant saved up for the time to type it out. This is my blog and I can rant if I want to! (Not in the "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" sort of way.)

As you all know, Reggie is about to graduate in May with his Masters and move on to pursue his PhD. I am so proud of him for his accomplishments in music. It is cocktail of talent, hard work, lots of practice, and mostly dedication. I am SO attracted to him for it! I'm not a college graduate. But, I can guarantee I partied on campus with the best of them back in the day! (Yeah...I'm almost 30)

The college kids annoy me. Not all of them...just most. There might be a handful of kids he goes to school with that I can actually have a conversation with and not want to shake their bobble heads until they "Get it".

Life is SO much more than being stressed out about that 20 page paper, or "OMG what AM I going to wear to that keg party Friday night?!" There is a HUGE world out there. A working world. If you have been in school from 5 to 30 years old, have never had to work a day in your life because you A.) Owe $200,000.00 in student loans. Or, B.) Live off of Mommy and Daddy...the rude awakening (also known as "life") WILL kick your ass and hand it to you.

Forgive me if we don't have anything in common. Forgive me if I choose to be an adult with responsibilities, a husband, and baby. There is a reason for growing up. It's because life doesn't care if your teachers like you.(I don't really care if YOU like ME!) Life doesn't care if you have more money than that other kid. Life WILL go on...with or without you. Live it!

1st Experience...Not So Great.

So...3 weeks ago, I gave birth to a combination of my husband and myself. It begins like this:

Monday March 28th-My first day of Maternity Leave from work! I went to the Doctor at 10am. She tells me I am dilated to 1cm and she guesses I will go into labor by Friday. WRONG, WOMAN! WRONG!!!!
I get home. My contractions were strong. By 6pm...my water breaks.

Reggie had a "gut feeling" to come home early from school and be with me. Good thing he is amazing and knew I was being nonchalant about it when it was serious.

He rushes me to UCLA, where I not only WORK, but was delivering this kid. (Don't judge me...it was convenient.) The first thing that goes "wrong" is, the first IV blew. I had fluid pumping under the skin and not the vein. So, they stuck the other arm. okay.

Time for an epidural. LAWD HAVE MERCY ON MY SPINE!!!!! (Ooooh...I cant feel anything below the waist. I love you. I love all of you.)
Something is amiss. I can feel my right side. KILL ME....I CAN FEEL MY RIGHT SIDE!

4 hours of pushing, with HALF of an epidural, little man decides he doesn't want to make a debut. Great.

Tuesday March 29th: Dr. Obvious comes in and asks me if I'd like to have a C-Section. Uh....DUH!!!! After feeling like the girl having her lower extremities eaten on the movie Jaws, and being tossed around on the table, by 10:06am, Preston was here. I was able to kiss his cheek before they rushed my non-crying baby to NICU.

Still able to semi-feel my right side, they put my guts back in. I am assuming just anywhere in there. I wonder if these people have ever played the game Operation? If so...THEY ALL LOST! I was asked a question by the anesthesiologist. I told him I was sleeping and didn't hear his question. He laughed...I think.

Guys, appreciate the mother of your children. Also, tell your OWN mom how much you appreciate her. Just sayin'

Because...I'm Insane!

It has been a year since I moved from Tennessee to California. I thought I would type up a list of things I have done in those short 12 months, to give you insight into my insanity....also known as "my life".

February 26th, 2010: My last day at Baptist Hospital in Nashville. I didn't have another job lined up before moving. I just....quit!

March 3rd, 2010: My mom and I loaded the last of my things in my Nissan Sentra and set out on the journey of being absolutely terrified of the unknown.

March 8th, 2110: I'm in California!!!! Why am I in California?! What am I doing?!

April 2nd, 2010: I found a job. It was crap so I quit.

April 3rd, 2010; I have another job. It was crap, but I kept it until a better one came along. It was at this point, I stopped worrying and let God have full control! (As I should have in the beginning.)

May something, 2010: UCLA called for an interview. I got the job! Time to pay off some credit card debt! (Trust me...I have a lot!)

August 9th, 2010: I got a promotion at work! I needed the benefits more than I knew. In the same day....I found out I was pregnant!

September 3rd, 2010: I married the most selfless man I have ever met! He's a person who cares deeply and genuinely for others, has put me and others before himself, and has never ONCE made me feel inferior! Reginald Patrick Grisham....you da man!!!! (Oh yeah...and I love you like there's no tomorrow)

October 16th, 2010: First Doctor's appointment to check on "Sprout". Heard the heartbeat. This is REAL!

January 22nd, 2011: I turned 29 years old. Wow! Is that it?

March 5th, 2011: Hey! That's today! I have an awesome Husband, a baby on the way in a month, a job, and a blog! Time flies!

There you have it folks! My life in the past year...because I'm insane! Or, I guess some would refer to me as a "Go-Getter". Either way...I'm blessed beyond words. ;)

The Basket Case

It's been a minute since my last confession...er, um....BLOG!

I never told anybody the story of the day Reggie and I found out we were going to be parents. I will try and keep it short to keep your attention....and mine!

08/09/10: I had just gotten a promotion at work. Reggie claimed I was acting "funny". And not "Funny Ha Ha". He meant "Emotional basket case, words that were irrelevant to conversations FLYING out of my mouth, certifiably funny".

He asked me if it were possible I could be pregnant. I said, "I don't know!" He insisted we go to CVS and get a test. I told him I wasn't wasting my money and if HE wanted me to take one HE had to buy it. (I know how this looks. Read above. Certifiable.)

I came out of our bathroom to wait the suggested 2 minutes for the results. I pranced/skipped in the living room and asked Reggie if he wanted to look at it together (in that mocking, bitchy, it's not positive voice). He said, "Just go get it!" So...I GOT IT ALRIGHT!

After I picked my face up off of the floor, I walked into the living room looking like I saw a ghost. He said, "What? What does it say?!" I handed it to him. "I'm pregnant." He grabbed me and hugged me.

In all of my insanity and thinking unreasonably, (even now) Reggie still hugs me. He still tries REALLY hard to make me feel better. In all of my sobbing, ugly break downs. In all of my lying around the house, looking like death warmed over. In all of my fit throwing, happy one second, crying the next...he still hugs me. Maybe we are both certifiable. :)

Pregnancy Hormones...Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

(Ladies, I am sure you can relate to this post. Fellas, pay close attention.)

In the past 7 months of my pregnancy, I have battled the 3 evils of hormones:

1.  Bad Attitude-The moment when someone says, "You look like you're about to pop!" or "Are you having twins?! Ha ha ha ha!" I want to punch them in the face and say, "Now we both look like we are uncomfortable." I want to smack anybody that makes the comments relating to how I look, how bad it's going to hurt going through labor, the people in the grocery store for being in the middle of the aisle, the people at work that touch my belly, and pretty much anybody that asks (what I consider) a stupid question relating to my pregnancy.

2.Crying without reason-I, personally, have never been a big crier. Not for movies, weddings, and sometimes funerals. In the past 7 months I cried watching commercials, movies, in the car, on the phone, in the shower, at work, going to work, leaving work, talking to Reggie, thinking about Reggie, thinking about work, and thinking about crying. (I could cry typing this...you never know)

3. Exhaustion/Laziness-I have 8 years of fitness experience. I get tired walking from my car to my apartment now. I hobble up the stairs (I used to skip one and sprint), throw all of my junk in the living room floor, kick off my shoes anywhere, change in to PJ's, and sit my Humpty Dumpty self on the couch and ask Reggie to bring me things.

In all of these things, I have tried SO HARD to be the positive, up-beat, and silly person I once was. I laugh at how ridiculous it is to feel any of these 3 things.

I can say this: My husband has been amazingly patient and loving...despite my attempts to cry, kick, and scream my way back to Dr. Jekyll, from Mr. Hyde.

Valentine's "THE WORST DAY EVER!"

To fill you all in, I have never been the "girly" type who likes pink roses and frilly little things. I have always sort of been into more powerful things. For an example: I climbed trees and played with a machete in the woods while some girls wanted to play with Barbies and dress-up. I'm not saying I never did those things as well...I'm just saying I enjoyed being outside, getting dirty, and conquering things more!

With today being Valentine's Day, I have noticed several ladies have posted on their Facebook how it was the "WORST Valentine's Day EVER!" Really? The worst? What if we took the Holiday out of the equation. Would it be just another bad day? Would it be the "Worst Day EVER"?

I guess I am asking these ladies to take a look at your expectations. What were you expecting from this day? Flowers? Candy? A man to miraculously ride in on a white horse and sweep you off of your feet at work, then make out with you while rose pedals fell all around you from the sky? PFFFFFFFFFT!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! (ehem)

Get real, Ladies! I think most women set themselves up for disappointment. If your significant other makes an effort everyday (not just one out of the year) to show you they love you, appreciate them!

Reggie and I were standing in the grocery store last night. I made a comment about the other flowers labeled "The Love Bouquet" actually stood for "Not Roses". We laughed. Then he asked me if I wanted flowers or candy for Valentine's Day. I told him "No! Don't waste your money on flowers that wilt in a week or two, or candy, or crap that collects dust." (And NO there was no women's code of saying one thing and meaning another. It was the truth.) When we got home, he dropped me off at the door, carried all of the groceries up the stairs, put them away, and not to mention did the laundry earlier. I can honestly say I know how much he loves me. Everyday... Not just one.

There. That was my mushy, girly moment of me loving my Husband and every effort he makes to show me affection through actions...not a Hallmark card!

The Idiots Guide to Being Funny

Chapter One: "Seriously?!"

1. Don't take yourself too seriously. Chances are, nobody else is. :)

Below is a picture of me at work. I am sporting a baby bump, scrubs, and a handmade mask bikini! Enjoy!

To get you started...Don't get ME started!

So, some of you may know I am expecting! Yay! Baby boy (Preston) is due in a couple of months. My entire person hurts and my job makes it LESS enjoyable to weigh 30 extra LBS.
That aside, I am pretty scared! This is my first pregnancy and I am having him in the same hospital in which I am currently employed. I'm not scared of the pain or the fact that my business will be on display. I am afraid of the fact that I get nurses (and sometimes Doctors) asking ME what some of our supplies and equipment do! I DON'T KNOW!!
Look, I can let go of the fact that 80% of the people I talk to on the phone can't speak English. I can even let go of the fact that 90% of the paper requisitions for supplies I get off of the fax machine are misspelled or MADE UP names for items. But, I just can't let go of the fact they are asking ME what a piece of medical equipment or item is for and how it works!!!!

(Here are just 2 examples of the things I see coming off of the fax machine.)